With a baby on the way in eight or nine weeks, give or take a couple (am I going to begin every post with this caveat from now until the baby is — yikes! — actually here?), I believe it would be foolish for me to make any resolutions or set any goals for the new year. Sure, there’s plenty I’d like to do this year — finish reading Walden, read at least twenty-four books of poetry, participate in a Dream Team with Christina Katz, and etc. — but none of it is anything I can commit to with any confidence right now. (Well, maybe I can commit to finishing Walden.…)
Therefore, I decided to choose a word to represent my hopes for myself in this new year — an idea I believe I first got from Amber at Strocel.com. The word had to work within my life both as it is now and as it may be with a new baby in our family.
I have a tendency to hold back. I’ve seen it in my zazen, I’ve seen it in my writing, I’ve seen it in my relationships. I’ve seen it even as I do my work. That way my mind drifts away so often? That’s me holding back, being unwilling to give myself just to what’s right in front of me.
It should be no surprise, really. Wasn’t I taught (in subtle, confused ways) to bury my talents, hide my light under a bushel? That my kookiness was shameful, unwanted? That my dreaminess was a sure path to ridiculousness and failure? It’s a common story, really; maybe it’s everyone’s story. And it explains why it can be so hard just to give ourselves — to others, to our deepest wishes, to this moment.
In 2012, I vow to give. I like the other words this particular word brings to mind — like gifts and presence and trust. I like that I’m not entirely certain what it means. What should I give? What does giving myself really mean?
But …
… now I have a question for all you choosers of words for the year out there. I’ve chosen my word. Now what do I do with it?
I’m not entirely clueless: I’ve decided to begin simply by noticing the specific ways in which I hold back. Notice them, and write them down. (Actually, the first thing I wrote down is that I tend not to write down so many of my stray ideas and scraps of lines for poems.) Then what? I guess we’ll see….
Photo credit: Tim Green
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I find this concept of word choosing so interesting. I notice some people have verbs, some nouns. I wonder why. I like yours. I wonder if you might also notice and write down the ways you don’t hold back, the times you give so completely you don’t even realize it?
I am very… cautious about the choice of words. It has been my experience that these guiding words become… attractors, of sorts. So I was delighted to find that my guiding word for the year is, “Play”. (I sit with it until something comes clearly. It’s not a rational process for me, much like self-naming. I’ll talk about that sometime. Maybe in your letter.)
Hugs.
an all too common story and a sad one. I am so glad you are trying to allow yourself to give more of your heart and amazing talent to the world. CONGRATS!!!
I’m reading Walden right now too:)) I want to say you are the reason I ordered it, but I can’t remember if that’s right. I am sooooooooo glad I bought it…..it’s really a thought provoking book. If it was you that made me begin reading it than…Thank you!!!!
Beautiful post!!!! ~B
The other half of giving is accepting, of course. And when you’re giving something to yourself, you then need to accept it from yourself as well.
I’ve signed up for the Abraham-Hicks daily quotes, which arrive in my email inbox every day and say things like, “your natural state is pure joy,” and the more I hear it the more I believe it, making it easier to choose and accept joy instead of hardship.
I’ve resisted openly choosing a word for this year, although one or two seem to keep popping up for me. Perhaps they are choosing me and I just need to accept them?
First of all I’ve been thinking about, grappling with and working on what I think is the same thing. I call it emotional generosity. Want something physical from me? No problem. But something from inside that makes me feel vulnerable? Problem. Weird for an actress, yes? Not to mention a mom!
I don’t know what to do with it either except…keep it in mind. REALLY in mind. And let it affect my actions.