While writing yesterday’s post, this sentence from the talk by Joko Beck stood out: “If we really practice like this, it takes everything we have.”
That’s what I fear more than anything else: tearing down the house of convention, giving up my illusions of security, and giving everything I have to that which (and those whom) I love. It’s why I take the Fool as my talisman. The Fool represents everything I am not: complete freedom in the face of uncertainty.
And yet, yesterday I quit a longtime freelancing gig that wasn’t working for me anymore. The discussion with the client went more easily than expected, but I felt disappointed afterward, because the discussion involved admitting that I’m not perfect. Though I know better, I still operate according to the fantasy that I can do it all, be Supermom.
So I’m booked through the end of March, and after that, who knows? In the meantime, I’ll put these words by Natalie Goldberg in my mind beside those of Joko Beck:
A friend one told me: “Trust in love and it will take you where you need to go.” I want to add, “Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go.” And don’t worry too much about security. You will eventually have a deep security when you begin to do what you want. How many of us with our big salaries are actually secure anyway?
— from Writing Down the Bones